Monday, November 12, 2012

Important Things I Learned While Watching Horror Movies


(1) The bad guys (Jason Voorhees, Freddy Kruegar, Damien, etc.) wear high-topped black shoes.

 (2) The victims accomplish little from running from the bad guy. He can always walk faster than they can run.

 (3) Cell phones never work when you try to call 911. You can hear the dispatcher, but she can’t hear you.

 (4) If a group is being hunted by the bad guy, the ugliest girl will always die first. With each attack, the other girls will lose another article of clothing.

 (5) If someone gets word to the sheriff, he won’t believe that four members of the group are already dead in the woods. He will threaten to arrest them for disturbing the peace if they insist that it really happened.

 (6) Any stranger who is accidentally in the area will refuse to help, and will tell them, “I have hunted in these woods all of my life and there has never been any danger here.”

 (7) The car key never fits the ignition when one of the last survivors tries to escape.

 (8) Guns are useless against the villain. Even if he is standing close, the one firing the gun always misses the target.

 (9) A victim, any victim, has at least five gallons of blood, and he/she can lose half of it without falling down dead.

 (10) “Look behind you,” shouted in a loud, frightened voice never gets any results.

 (11) Leaving the cabin to search for your missing boyfriend/girlfriend is never a good idea.

 (12) Going back to bed after each attack is not the best course of action.

 (13) Hiding places are hard for you to find, but the killer can walk directly to them after scattering a few items of furniture around the cabin.

 (14) Getting killed early in the movie isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If you are going to die, it better to do so before you have to run for hours through the woods.

 (15) Getting your best friend to go outside with you isn’t going to help. They can run faster than you can, so guess who is going to get caught.

 I have scheduled a horror flick for tonight. If anyone wants to watch it with me, I will furnish the popcorn and drinks, but you must bring your own guns and knives. Oh, and another thing. You might want to bring a wooden stake or two in case they are needed.

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